


When the Dust Clears

by OnceUponAGalaxyFarFarAway



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Finn-centric, Flashbacks, Force-Sensitive Finn, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Nightmares, Non-graphic suicide, The First Order Sucks, Will be Canon Divergence after The Last Jedi, post-TFA, will add more tags over time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 07:05:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10271009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceUponAGalaxyFarFarAway/pseuds/OnceUponAGalaxyFarFarAway
Summary: After the destruction on Starkiller, Finn deals with his newfound identity and tries to define who he is and who he will be in this new world of his.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is very much a work in progress, but I wanted to post this now, before the trailers are released for The Last Jedi so that I don't lose hope about this project. I've been planning this since November and I hope you guys like this.

When Finn woke up each day, he did so with apprehension. Every night as he laid down in the barracks, he listened to the breathing of the fellow soldiers and wondered if tomorrow would be the day the dream ended. It was petrifying when he woke up, his heart pounded and he kept his eyes closed for the longest time, trying to remember every element of the dream before he had to open his eyes. He remembered a scuffed orange dome, dark eyes and an awkward grip on his hand. He remembered a glowing, ethereal blue, he remembered dark curls and a bleeding grin. He memorized each little detail, not wanting to lose the dream when he rose. He knew that one day the shoe would drop. One day he would lose the dream.

\---

When Finn woke up, the dream was still there.

The Resistance barracks were still semi dark, but the others were waking as well, little yawns and sighs and grunts echoing through the room. Finn hopped from his bunk, grabbed the standard clothing, and Poe’s jacket - personnel were allowed a few additional items of clothing - and going to the refresher.

He stripped down from the sleep clothes, folding them and setting them aside and took a quick sonic. The First Order only used high-pitched sonics, the equivalent of a cold water shower, so he wasn’t able to get used to low-pitched sonics, and to be frank, he was still trying to find a setting he liked. The one he had now was alright, he would have to note that for later.

A few people joined him in the ‘fresher, taking their own sonics, still touched by sleep. Finn was evidently what people called a ‘morning person’, which was a term that he was aware of, but never considered would apply to him. In the Order, there was no such thing as a morning person. All troopers awoke at 0500 and not a minute later. He had been relieved to hear that the Resistance had similar waking times, that would have been a hard adjustment.

When he finished, he moved off to the side, let someone else take his place, and dressed quickly. He made sure not to look, he wouldn’t dare look anywhere that wasn’t his own feet. He did once, in the Order refresher, look somewhere he shouldn’t have. It was not approved of.

Once he was dressed, Finn made his way out of the barracks, walking up two levels of stairs, stopping after the first to ease the twinge of pain in his back. Doctor Kalonia had said that would be likely, and had vouched for him to stay elsewhere, so he wouldn’t have to walk so much, but Finn didn’t want that. Special treatment garnered attention, which was something he didn’t want, and he was just as capable as the others.

He passed a few people on the way to the mess hall, offering small smiles. That was something he did enjoy, smiling. There wasn’t much of that in the Order. When you passed another trooper, the most you would do was nod, and when you passed an officer, you stopped and saluted.

It always felt funny, walking alone. He was used to being one among many, something, his mind argued, that made him nothing. Being alone was yet another freedom he had now, but he wasn’t sure he liked it very much. Being alone meant time to think but sometimes he didn’t want to hear his thoughts.

What he did like was the mess hall. His thoughts were more or less drowned out there, and that made him happy. Poe was there too, and he liked Poe. The rest of his squadron was good too, although they were harder to get used to. Then again, perhaps the reason he was so acclimated to Poe was because they had bonded over shared adrenaline. The same probably went for Rey. He doubted they would have gotten together so easily if fate hadn’t thrown them together in the way that it had. Maybe what he needed was another life and death situation to get to know them. (He would prefer if that didn’t happen).

The conversation in the mess hall wasn’t as loud as it could be at times, just a low buzz by the time he arrive. Finn made his way to the counter and grabbed a tray, letting one of the droids serve their given portions into each place. From there he made his way to the table that Poe and the other pilots inhabited.

Poe was already there, in uniform, as was usually the case, but he still looked tired. Finn always got the feeling that the man’s exhaustion went beyond “planning” but when he asked, Poe offered a vague answer and a smile and a shrug and a little joke. Finn chuckled at each joke, but the worry never faded. Poe smiled up at Finn as he approached, greeting him as he took his seat.

“Morning buddy, sleep well?” Finn never tells Poe about how he does his best to remember this dream so it wouldn’t be lost to him. There would be concern, most likely a psych eval, and possibly termination. They said that wasn’t what they did, but surely they had their limits.

“Yeah, I slept pretty good.” That wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t a truth. He never had dreams, but it meant he never had nightmares either. “You?”

“Yeah I guess.” There was the vague answer. And then the smile and the shrug. “Maybe I should start counting nerfs, huh?” And there was the joke, chased by Finn’s chuckle. Clockwork.

“Counting nerfs…” Finn murmured, giving a half smile. “It can’t hurt.” Poe seemed relieved that Finn didn’t press but worried still.

“Well, I’ve got caf, so at least there’s that.” Poe held up the synthetic cup before taking a sip. “I don’t get how you can go on without this stuff, buddy.”

Finn shrugged. “The Order had designated waking times and no caf. I’m kind of used to that.” Poe nodded and Finn could feel radiating tension. Lots of people reacted like that when he talked about the First Order. Uncomfortable or angry. Finn knew that the situation was bad, but he did wish that he could talk about it without someone having a reaction. It was nice to have someone angry on his behalf, but Finn just wanted someone he could genuinely talk to. After a moment he decided to pull a page out of Poe’s book and try for a little joke. “Besides, I think I’m just a morning person.”

That did get a grin out of Poe and Finn smiled back before returning to his meal. The food wasn’t very good, bland and shapeless, but honestly, it was better than anything he had eaten. Granted, in the Order, they only had a protein bar in the morning and a million supplements to keep them going, so he was a little inexperienced. But he heard that a small shipment of proper fruits and sweets would be coming in, so he was looking forward to that.

As he ate, the others joined them until the table was full and the mess hall was buzzing with different conversations. Finn had been noticing that Poe was very physical with his affection, something that filled him with a confusing feeling. He liked seeing the grin on Poe’s face as he talked to his friends, but every time he squeezed Jess’ shoulder or patted Snap on the back, it made Finn wonder if he was any different than them.

He knew better than to get caught up in that though, so he continued to eat, listening to them talk.

“So, Poe,” Finn didn’t understand why they didn’t refer to him as Commander, but then again, he didn’t either. “What’s the situation?”

Ever since Starkiller, there had been the occasional recon mission to track down other parts of the Order. There were still a number of Star Destroyers out there, and intel was pointing to Ren and Hux both surviving. There was nothing about Phasma yet, and Finn frankly hoped that she didn’t make it. The fact that Ren and Hux had made it was already too much.

“We’ve got another couple of recon missions out near Geonosis, General Organa thinks they could be hiding out in those old droid factories.” Poe replied, taking another sip of caf.

Karé grimaced. “That place gives me the creeps. I don’t think anything good has ever come out of there.” The others nodded grimly.

“Well, then it only makes more sense to look.” Poe replied. “They’re likely to be hiding there.”

“You’d think the Geonosian worms would deter them, though.” Jess pointed out.

“Those are usually in their catacombs and the old factories and the like. I doubt the officers would be there.” Iolo pointed out.

Finn decided to add to the conversation. “The troopers are probably in there. I’d bet the officers are in a palace or something. Wherever the Separatists had been staying during their time there.”

The others looked over at him, and although they didn’t seem annoyed, Finn wondered if he shouldn’t have gotten involved. Poe spoke. “You think? Because Geonosian worms are pretty nasty and indiscriminate. If one of the troops got infected, it would be dangerous for them all.”

Finn nodded his agreement. “Exactly. All the more reason to have them there. If they do get infected, then they remained locked in wherever they are, and infect the others. Then you have an entire squadron, if not more, of dangerous troops ready to attack whoever gets involved.”

“You really think that could happen?” Snap’s brows knitted together as he looked at Finn.

Finn nodded again. “Yeah, I think so. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they took a few of them afterwards, as an alternative to reconditioning.” That was the wrong thing to say, as the pilots all went through multiple little facial expressions. Poe’s face looked a little twisted and the others were looking away a little. Finn looked down and speared some of his food, trying not to get uncomfortable.

“Well, I suppose that’s good to know.” It was Jess who broke the awkward silence, much to Finn’s relief. “We’ll keep an eye out and if we have to do a raid, we’ll make sure there’s protective gear. She offered Finn a little smile that he returned easily.

The tension didn’t fade away, and it seemed clear that the others were thinking about the idea of reconditioning, something that Finn by no means wanted to explain. It had seemed bad then, but at a distance, it was worse. At the very least, the others had the decency to eventually change the subject, talking about holos and the like.

After breakfast, the pilots went to the General to be briefed on the recon mission, receiving information about possible native threats on Geonosis. This was something that Finn was not allowed to attend, so he instead went to Kalonia. He had been running errands for her while the officers worked on coming up with where he would serve. He liked it. It took his mind off of everything and gave him a purpose, something he felt he needed.

The errands weren’t very complex. Most of the time she just needed certain medicines or she needed the cots to be remade. Sometimes she would have him go outside the base to look for a certain plant that someone found to be comforting after a mission, which he enjoyed the most, because it meant he got an excuse to do a little exploring and exercise. D’Qar was beautiful, lush and green and completely alive. Finn was going to miss it when they eventually left.

Plans were already being made for evacuation, all they needed was a proper planet to set up on. He had heard talks that they were thinking about going to Naboo or maybe Mandalore but nothing was solid. It wasn’t safe for them to stay on D’Qar. The Order knew they were there and they were at constant risk to be attacked.

Kalonia wanted him to just rearrange some things this time and then insisted that he sat in one of the massage chairs to help his back. The muscles there were frequently knotted and strained and that usually helped. Finn didn’t like it very much. It made him sore all over and even when he was done, it still felt like it was there, which was an unsettling feeling.

Finn was grateful when he got out and he hurried to the hangar, hoping the pilots hadn’t taken off yet. His wish was granted, but only barely. They looked like they were just about to climb into their x-wings. Finn ran over, catching Poe just in time.

“Hey, good luck on the mission!” Finn said as he came to a stop.

Poe grinned at him. “Thanks, buddy. I’m hoping we find these bastards, The more we take care of now, the more we have to fight later.”

Nodding his agreement, Finn reached out and grabbed his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. If physical affection was allowed here, then Finn wanted to be affectionate. “Alright, well, don’t do anything stupid.”

The grin on Poe’s face only grew, now giddy on top of that, and Finn thought he saw a pink tint appear on the man’s cheeks. “You know me, I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

Finn huffed a laugh, “Whatever you say, Poe.” He squeezed his shoulder before letting go and stepping back. “You probably ought to go now.”

“Hm?” Poe blinked at him before giving his head a little shake. “Oh, yeah, you’re right, I should go. I’ll see you when we get back, okay? With any luck, we’ll have some good news.”

“See you.” Finn waved a little before taking a few steps backwards. Poe smiled after him before climbing into Black One. After a little bit the landing gear on each ship retracted and they all took off into the sky. Finn watched them up until the ships blurred and vanished as they went into hyperspace.

Finn walked around the base for a little longer. He had began to notice that sometimes people would stare as he passed and it had started to bother him. Some of them were curious, which Poe assured him was no fault of his own. (“Every new recruit gets a few stares, it’s nothing new.”). But others were much more harsh and distrusting, whispers following him.

That was something he had expected, of course. It was probably his biggest concern when he had first formally joined the Resistance. Not everyone had known his background at first, but rumors only grew and eventually Leia had to put them to rest during the speech she made a week after Starkiller. She had praised Finn for his bravery in saving Poe and escaping the Order, giving them inside information to take down Starkiller. But some people weren’t willing to believe that he had been helpful. He was pretty sure that they thought he was still part of the Order, but there was no way he would ask them.

A technician murmured “buckethead” as he passed and Finn kept his face unreactive, not wanting to give them a reaction. He just continued to walk, his lips pressing together.

“Finn! A word?” He turned to see General Organa approaching and he straightened on instinct, the heels of his shoes clicking together. As far as he was aware, the Resistance had no specific salute that they used, so he kept his arms at his side. He had seen Poe give a lazy two fingered salute occasionally but that didn’t quite seem appropriate.

“General.” He nodded his head at her.

Leia waved a hand.  “At ease, Finn, you can relax.” Finn clasped his hands behind his back and relaxed his posture just slightly. She raised a brow and Finn relaxed a little more, letting his hands relax at his sides again. “Come walk with me.” she gestured with a hand.

The two walked side by side down the hallway, Finn glancing over at the General several times to determine what she wanted to say to him. He was about to ask her when she started to speak again.

“Have you given any thought as to how you’d like to help the Resistance?” She glanced at him before returning her gaze forward.

Finn furrowed his brow in thought and hummed. “A little. I’m not quite sure what I want to do just yet, I just know I want to help people. And… I don’t want to do any killing. Not if I have to.” The killing he had done on Takodana wasn’t the same as what had been happening on Jakku, but at the same time, he still wanted to avoid that where he could.

Leia nodded, seeming to understand. “Have you talked with Doctor Kalonia? I know you’ve been running errands for her lately, perhaps you could train to become a medical officer.” she suggested.

Finn mulled it over. “Maybe.. I don’t want to choose something prematurely, though. I want to make the right decision.”

“I understand. War rarely gives us the choice to decide who we are.” She looked a little sad when Finn looked at her and he realized how worn she really was. He couldn’t imagine how much she had been through. The Order didn’t have much when it came to history and the stories they told were distorted but he did know she had lost so much and still kept going. “But,” she started, interrupting his thoughts, “this isn’t what I’m here to ask you about.”

Finn frowned a little bit at that, unsure of what she wanted yet again. He could never really tell what she was thinking, she was a very private person, and was sometimes hard to read. “General?”

She didn’t say anything as they came to a stop and Finn realized that they had been walking to her office the entire time. Leia unlocked the door and stepped inside, gesturing for him to come in as well. The office wasn’t as large as Finn had been expecting, but he didn’t speak those sentiments. There was a desk in the corner, a chair behind it and two chairs in front of it. There was a small caf-maker off to the side by a bookshelf and an aquarium with several fish in it.

Finn was transfixed by the aquarium, never having seen anything like it before. Leia stayed at his side, also looking at the tank. “I love watching the fish.” She said suddenly, not looking away. “I remember when I was child, my father, Bail Organa,” she added, sensing Finn’s brief confusion, “Had an aquarium in his office. I loved looking in it. He told me later that it was so I wouldn’t be reading confidential reports over his shoulder.” Finn didn’t say anything. “Ben liked the fish too. He the ones we had when he was a child, and whenever one died, he insisted we gave them a funeral.”

Finn was quiet. He couldn’t imagine the man he had seen, Kylo Ren, giving a fish a funeral. He could barely imagine the man, so torn apart and so angry, as a child. All he could see was the burning red of a lightsaber reflected in the eyes of a killer.

The two of them were silent for another moment and then Leia sighed heavily before looking away. “Why don’t we take a seat?” It was phrased like a suggestion but it felt like an order. Finn nodded and sat down on one side of the desk as the General sat on the other side. The chairs weren’t exactly uncomfortable, but Finn still shifted and squirmed as if they were. It felt like he were being evaluated or something. “What’s the first memory you have of the First Order?”

Finn jolted at that and looked up at her. He hadn’t expected that at all. “General? I’m not sure I understand… I am loyal to the Resistance, I’m not going to compromise anything.”

Leia gave him a small, reassuring smile. “I know, Finn. My apologies, I should have been more clear in why I’m asking you this. Knowing what we know now, about how the Order brings their people in, we want to find out where the Order keeps the children they take, where they’re trained. Anything you can remember may help us.”

Nodding, Finn leaned back in his seat, his brows knitting together as he wracked his mind for any memory that could be of use. “I… I know it was cold, it was very cold. Some of the weaker kids died from the cold. They got sick or they froze. I don’t remember much, I just…” he let out an unsteady breath and brushed his hands over his hair. “I don’t think anyone there was older than ten, maybe eight or nine. I can’t remember how old I was.. I can’t remember anything before then. But it was cold. And I don’t think it was the only one. There weren’t enough kids there, considering how many people that are my age that are in other squadrons.” Finn spoke choppily and without certainty. “I wish I could help you more.”

Leia nodded and Finn noticed that she had been recording him speak with a datapad. “That’s okay, Finn.” He didn’t feel that it was okay because it wasn’t. He couldn’t give them more information and he wished he could, he really wished he could. “Could you give an estimate as to how many troops were on the ship you and Poe escaped from?”

Finn hummed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I… General, I don’t know, I really don’t. Hundreds, maybe thousands. I really couldn’t tell you, we were never all in the same place at once. I just know that there were a lot. And that was only one ship. I don’t know how many there are. I was just a low level trooper, I didn’t get a lot of information.”

Leia sighed and Finn knew he had disappointed her with his lack of information. By the Force he wished he could be of more help, but he couldn’t. There wasn’t enough information that he could give. “That’s fine, Finn. For now we can limit our searching to ice planets that are Order controlled. That helps us narrow things down. Right now we’re just working on gathering information. If anything comes to you that might seem pertinent...”

Finn nodded right away. “I’ll be sure to let you know as soon as possible.”

She offered him a small smile. “Thank you, Finn. You’re dismissed.” Finn nodded and stood, standing awkwardly before doing a two fingered salute like the one Poe did. She nodded her head in acknowledgement and smiled a little.

Finn ducked out of the office somewhat awkwardly and walked off again. The rest of the day was boring, he ran a few more errands for Kalonia and scheduled another physical therapy session for the day after tomorrow, and discussed some tests and training that he could do with Admiral Statura so that they could place him in a position that he could be helpful in. At the end of the day he went to the mess hall for a quick dinner. While the pilots were out, he had nobody to talk to, but one of the psytechs had suggested he “expand his social circle” so that he would fit in better with the rest of the Resistance.

Finn bit his lip and looked around before taking a seat with some of the medical staff. He had seen them the most during his recovery, other than Poe and the others and it seemed to be the best choice. He wasn’t wrong about that, they seemed willing to talk with him and they had some very fascinating stories about everyone on base, including a few about Poe that had Finn wanting to know more.

At the end of the day, Finn returned to the barracks and changed back into the sleep clothes that he always wore. He folded the jacket reverently and set it aside before climbing into his bunk, completely still, staring up at the ceiling. For a while he listened to the breathing of the others in the other barracks, thinking to himself.

He wondered if General Hux was still alive. A shudder went through him and he grit his teeth. He hoped not. The man scared him, he really did. He was cruel and angry and cold. He was one of the reasons Finn had suffered so much and by the Force, if he was alive, Finn would make sure that didn’t last long. The thought startled him. When he had left the Order, it was because he didn’t want to kill innocent people, he didn’t want to hurt anyone. His mind reminded him that Hux was far from innocent. He had directly caused the pain that Finn and all of the other troopers who had been stolen as children felt. Not to mention the families.

The families.

Now that was something that kept Finn from sleeping.

Where was his family? Who were they? What were they like? Were they nice? Were they cruel? Did they miss him? Were they even alive? He didn’t even know his real name, so he had no idea where he could begin to look. Finn closed his eyes, letting out a slow and shaky breath. Maybe it was better if he never found out. He already had enough issues trying to figure out who he was in the world, and that could only add more trouble.

He shifted so he was on his side, looking at the wall. The man in the bunk below his was snoring, quite loudly too, and he huffed out a little sigh. It wasn’t the sound itself that was bothering him, Zeroes snored sometimes too, but it was the fact that it was infringing on his thoughts, making it impossible to keep a proper train of thought.

Eventually he gave up, letting his eyes fall shut. He still wasn’t falling asleep slowly like he knew some people did, as he almost seemed to shut off, like a droid. Just another example of the conditioning the Order had forced onto him. The last thought that he had before sleep overcame him was that maybe someday the programming ingrained into every aspect of him would fade away.

One day he could fully be himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two moments which may be disturbing or upsetting, one starts at "Looking around, Finn realized that in his reverie, he had wandered to some unknown part of the base. " and ends at "Almost instantly, everything fell away." and the second starts at "Sleep fell over him quickly and his mind shut down just like it was programmed to."

For the next few days, Finn’s day felt like it was on repeat. It wasn’t like his life revolved around Poe’s and the lives of the other pilots, but at the same time, they were the only people that he had really gotten to know in the Resistance. He felt comfortable with them, although that meant that he didn’t really know what to do when they were gone.

It made him feel gross, to feel like that. Like some pet, just waiting for them to come home so he had someone to talk to again. He was his own man and yet he still felt bored without the only people he knew. He spent most of his time in the medbay, occasionally having a short, spontaneous physical therapy session when Kalonia or one of the medtechs wasn’t busy. He was starting to find that he liked spending time there. The meddroids, even though they could speak Basic, had started to teach him binary so he could try to make sense of the beeps that BB-8 and the other astromechs made.

Finn had also started to make friends with some of the medtechs and a few of them had started to give him basic biology lessons so that if he joined their ranks, he wouldn’t have to learn from scratch. Finn knew a little bit, the Order had taught them semi-basic biology. By semi-basic, he meant that he knew the best bones to break and the best points on the body to shoot. The head was always the best bet, but the heart, neck, and femoral artery were all just as good. Although that kind of knowledge would probably be counterproductive to being a medical officer, so he decided not to tell anyone about that.

By the time that the pilots returned from Geonosis, Finn had made pretty good friends with the medical officers, and since he still had no designated post, he had ample time to pick up a little extra binary. He didn’t hear that they had returned until well after they had landed, overhearing from a few technicians that they had gone straight to briefing.

Finn hoped very dearly that they had found the Order, or at least most of it. The sooner they took them out, the sooner this could all be over. Finn wanted to ensure that the Order would never, _ever_ take a child from their home, from their family again.

Thoughts wormed their way into his head, thoughts he knew were dangerous to harbor. He didn’t know how long this forsaken war would last, he didn’t even know if he would survive, and yet he wondered what he would do after this. Would he try to find his family? Again the issue of not knowing his real name got in the way of that.

Where would he go? He had no birth records, he had no home planet. There was nothing for him, with the end of the war, he lost his purpose. He had been raised to fight, to make war, not to live through and after it. He had been raised by the Order to fight and die. He was the Order’s cannon fodder.

Finn didn’t know what cannon fodder would do when there were no more cannons.

Looking around, Finn realized that in his reverie, he had wandered to some unknown part of the base. He had meant to go to the mess hall, but he must have made a wrong turn at some point, because he didn’t know where he was at all. Finn’s brows knitted together and he looked around more. He started down a hallway that seemed to be familiar but stopped dead in his tracks right away, feeling a cold sweat break out on the back of his neck. He felt as though he were being watched.

Finn felt his heartbeat quicken and he turned quickly, his eyes landing on a wall. There was nothing there. And yet, he still felt like there was something just behind him. He turned again, and yet there was still nothing. The uneasiness didn’t go away, even though he knew, logically, that there was nothing there. Instead, dread only continued to bubble inside him, eating at him like acid.

He turned again, and again, and again, trying to find the source, but there was nothing, there was absolutely _nothing_. It was absolutely silent, save for the quiet but sharp intakes of breath on his part. Finn reached up and grabbed his head, pressing his fingertips hard against his skull, trying to ease away whatever it was that he was feeling.

After several moments, the feeling began to ebb away, leaving Finn cold and confused. He bit his lip, trying to regain himself in some way. Once he felt more secure that he had escaped… whatever that was, he moved to take a step forward in the direction of the hallway.

A scream ripped through his mind, one that wasn’t his, wasn’t anyone he recognized. It echoed throughout the walls of his mind, bloodcurdling and distraught. The floor tilted beneath him and he fell forward, midstep, feeling fire tear through his back.

The screaming in his mind didn’t stop, joined by the sound of begging and pleading. Finn curled up, clutching his head and covering his ears, trying to make it stop in any way. His chest heaved and his body convulsed. The room felt like it was spinning and curling in on him, pinning him where he lay and suffocating him indiscriminately.

Suddenly he felt hands on him and he lashed out, only to feel his wrist grabbed tightly. Finn thought he heard shouting and other voices, although they sounded lightyears away from him, distant and distorted. Out of nowhere, he was floating, the air carrying him. Finn vaguely wondered if he was dying, if this was something the Order left in his mind to destroy him if he ever got too far.

He felt something solid against his back and Finn writhed, struggling against whatever was keeping him held down. There was a lot of shouting, at least he thought so, because the screaming was still drowning it out, and then a pinch in his arm.

Almost instantly, everything fell away. The screaming slowly faded away and his ears, rather than ringing like he would have expected, felt smothered, like someone had put dampeners on them. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t hear, and he couldn’t speak. Just like it did when he fell asleep, his mind shut off and he surrendered himself to whatever void he had been thrown into.

When Finn did wake up, he did so with his eyes still closed. His body felt remarkably heavy, like he was being weighed down with something. After a few moments, he was made aware that someone was talking, just off to his right.

“What was he even doing in that part of the base?”

“Deimos said he saw him pass by the mess hall, said he seemed dazed, that’s why I went looking for him. But I didn’t expect… What did you say it was, doc? A seizure?”

“No, I don’t think it was a seizure. I think it might be a result of withdrawal.”

“How do you mean?”

“When we were doing blood tests during the recovery after Starkiller, it showed that he was on a number of drug stimulants, mostly to keep him more physically active, just to keep him awake longer. We still have to run tests, because it was such an intense mix of drugs, some I’ve never seen before. It’s very likely that some of them were mental stimulants, possibly to repress specific urges, thoughts, or memories.”

“Kriff.”

“It makes sense.” Finn didn’t realize his mouth was moving until he had spoken. He heard shifted as everyone directed their attention to him, and he forcibly opened his eyes. His vision was a little blurry, but he could at least make out Poe and Doctor Kalonia. “Some ‘troopers had thoughts, I think. Thoughts that the Order wouldn’t have liked. It’s not efficient to keep reconditioning, and only so many troops can be terminated before they lose more troopers than they gain.”

Poe was making the Face again, his face twisted and darkened. Finn never liked putting that look on Poe’s face and somehow he always did. It would probably be better if he stopped talking about the Order altogether. It only seemed to bother anyone.

Kalonia broke the tense silence. “Finn, how are you feeling?” she asked, approaching him.

Finn blinked slowly and sat up, letting out a huff of breath. Poe’s hand hovered over his shoulder, eyeing him carefully. “Hey, easy there buddy, don’t strain yourself too hard.”

“I’m fine, Poe.” Finn muttered, forcing himself to sit up and putting a hand to his back, wincing.

“You pulled something when you collapsed,” Kalonia informed him, replacing Poe at his side, looking him over. “It’s nothing too serious, we’ll just use the massage chair more in physical therapy sessions.” Finn sighed. “But that’s not the issue here. How are you feeling, mentally?”

“My head hurts a little, I guess.” Finn shrugged.

“Do you remember what happened?” Kalonia asked, shining a light in Finn’s eyes, seeming pleased when his pupils reacted properly.

“Um… I remember I was thinking about.. stuff, on the way to the mess hall. And then I ended up in that hallway. I remember moving to go down a hallway, the one I thought led to the mess hall again, and…” he gave an involuntary shudder.

“Buddy?” Oh yeah. Poe was there. He looked over at him and realized that Jess was there too, and Snap and BB-8. He bristled, realizing they were all there to watch him have a breakdown.

“If you could stop watching me like I’m some fascinating creature or a holovid, that would be nice.” He snapped, glowering at them. Almost instantly they turned away and murmured to each other softly before leaving, Poe glancing back only once. Finn wanted to feel bad, and managed to feel a little pang of guilt in the back of his mind but that was all he could manage. He didn’t want them staring at him like he was some sort of freak.

When he looked back at Kalonia, she was giving him a somewhat unreadable look. He could gather enough to assume that she was judging him, at least a little. He bristled again and looked back down as she spoke. “And what happened after that, Finn?”

He shrugged. “I.. I remember that something felt… off. Like I was being watched, or followed.” She nodded along, looking grim. “And after a bit it started to go away, and then…” his ears started to ring, just a little and his brow knitted. “I heard a scream, a really, really loud one.”

“Did you recognize the voice it belonged to?” Kalonia asked, looking concerned.

Finn shook his head. “No, I didn’t.”

She nodded severely. “Finn, I think we should have you see a psytech, twice a week, if possible.”

Finn knew that she was probably right, but cold dread still seeped into his bones at the prospect and he let out a slow, unsteady sigh. “Right.”

She put her hand on his shoulder and he glanced up at her. “I understand that the Order left mental scarring, and that’s something you’ll likely have to deal with for a long time. But at the very least, discussing it might make you feel better.”

“Right.”

“Should I let the others back in? I bet they’re probably still waiting out there.” She jerked her head back towards the door.

Finn looked over and sighed. Might as well. He nodded a little and she had one of meddroids open the the door again. Poe was there and the others were too, talking quietly.

When they saw that the door was open again, they all moved back in, Poe in the lead. “Hey, buddy, sorry for staring, I know you probably feeling like banthashit, and our staring didn’t help.”

Finn shrugged. “It’s alright. I didn’t mean to tell you off like I did.”

Poe just smiled. “I get it, honestly.”

“Did anyone else see?” Finn asked suddenly. If anyone else had seen him break down like he had, he could only imagine what they would say about him. “Other than you, did anyone else see me?”

Poe shook his head. “No one saw you, buddy. Pretty much everyone was in the mess hall.”

Finn sagged in relief, letting out an unsteady breath. “Good. That’s good.”

Poe looked him over for a moment. “How are you feeling, Finn?”

Finn just shrugged. “Head hurts. Doctor Kalonia thinks I should start seeing a psytech.”

Poe nodded, quiet. “Do you want to talk about any of it?”

Finn let out a soft sigh and shrugged again. “I don’t know what to talk about. All of a sudden I felt like I was being watched, and then it went away and then there was somebody screaming.”

“We didn’t hear any screaming, buddy. You were letting out a few shouts and were writhing, but there was no screaming.” Poe murmured, looking concerned.

Finn let out a heavy sigh, brushing his hands over the top of his head. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Well, I guess that’s why I get to see a psytech.” he said sarcastically. He glanced up to see where Jess and Snap were, seeing that the pair had wandered off to hang out with one of the medtechs.

Poe nudged him gently. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Finn. Plenty of people here go see psytechs. You’re not in bad company.”

“Do you go to a psytech?” Finn asked, looking over at him.

Glancing away, Poe shifted awkwardly. “No, I don’t. Don’t need to, I’m all clear up here.” he tapped his temple.

Finn raised a brow. He didn’t buy that, at all. Even though he had never seen Kylo Ren interrogate a prisoner, he knew what it entailed. There was no way he was okay.

“Seriously, Finn, I’m alright. I got the all clear after my psych eval.”

Finn’s eyes grew wide. “You had a psych eval? When?”

“After Starkiller.” Poe shrugged, trying to seem casual. “While you were recovering. We didn’t have time after I made it back to base, so it happened later.”

“That reminds me, when did you get back here? How did you manage it?” Finn asked, suddenly curious.

“Oh, you know me,” Poe said with a little scoff and a half smirk. “I can fly anything. I just did some tinkering and charming and flew myself off that rock.”

Finn frowned. Poe was deflecting, just like he always did. “Right.”

Poe tried for a grin. “Hey, I mean it. I kicked ass, took names, just like always.”

Finn just looked at him for a little while longer and Poe shifted uncomfortably before standing again. “Alright, well, do you want to go down to the mess hall? It’s a little late but there should still be food. We should get you some grub, since you didn’t eat.”

After a moment, Finn sighed and nodded, getting up as well. His back ached a little, but he was relieved that it didn’t hurt any worse. Considering the dull throbbing of his head, back pains would only make him feel more miserable. “Alright, works for me. Did you eat?”

“Nah. I went to find you and I wasn’t about to leave you alone when I did.” Poe replied, walking out of the medbay with him, BB-8 rolled behind him. “But it’s fine, I wasn’t feeling that hungry then anyways. Now I can eat.”

Finn wondered if that was the truth. He found himself frequently doubting what Poe said to him, something that bothered him greatly. He had no doubt that Poe was an honest man, a lot of what he did seemed honest. Every compliment was genuine, every kind word was completely honest. It wasn’t that Poe was constantly lying about everything in the galaxy, it was the fact that when it came to someone’s concern for his wellbeing, any word out of his mouth could be a lie.

Granted, he wasn’t one to talk. It wasn’t like he was being fully open with all of his issues. Then again, were any of them? It seemed like everyone on the base was bottling up everything they felt. Finn hated himself for this, but it reminded him of the First Order a bit. There was a lot more freedom when it came to expression, he couldn’t deny that, but everyone still seemed to bottle things up.

He didn’t voice any of these thoughts as they walked down to mess hall with them, mostly silent. He could see Poe glance over at him out of the corner of his eye but he didn’t look over, not wanting to discuss this anymore.

The mess hall only had a few people left, a small group in the corner loudly playing sabacc, laughing with one another. The two of them got their food and made their way back to their table. Snap and Jess joined them a few moments later and Finn realized that they probably hadn’t eaten either.

“So,” he started, breaking the silence they had. “How was the recon mission?  Find anything?”

Poe finished chewing before responding. “We think so, yeah. Took some flyover pictures that shows some pretty damning evidence. Footsteps that seem to match the treads on ‘trooper boots. The General may want you to double check, but the footprints were fairly new.”

Finn nodded. That was a relief. If they could get them there, now, it was less for them to deal with them later on. “So, what's the plan then? What's the General thinking?” He took another bite of food.

“I dunno, not yet at least. She's got some planning left to do, but I'm fairly certain that we'll be doing a mission soon, taking them out so they can't rejoin the others.” Poe hummed. “You think you can do some field combat?”

Finn paused, tapping his fork lightly against the tray. He was ready, physically, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready on every count. When he had left the Order, it had been so he didn’t have to kill anyone. Still, that had been about innocents, this was the Order. Even so, he wondered how innocent the troopers were. “I think so. I’ll be able to help.”

Poe smiled a little and Finn remembered how much he liked Poe’s smile when it was real, when he wasn’t forcing it. “Well, that’s good to hear, buddy. It’ll be good to have your help.”

Finn smiled back at him. Privately he wondered if he would be able to prove himself in some way, prove to everyone that he was more than capable of being a Resistance fighter like the rest of them, He didn’t want them to think he was a traitor.

They continued to eat in silence, occasionally chatting, sharing a few words and stories. At the end of their meal, they parted, going to their respective sleeping areas. Poe was an officer, and so he had his own quarters. Finn was pretty sure that Snap slept in barracks as well, although they had to be in a separate place. The same was likely for Jess, since they all left in different directions.

Finn gazed up at the ceiling as he tried to sleep. His bunkmate was snoring, louder than ever, and his mind was restless. What had that scream been? He didn't know who it belonged to. It had been piercing, devastated, painful, like a blaster bolt bouncing around his skull. And why had he felt like something was watching him there? He had looked all around and yet there had been nothing there.

Finn couldn't understand what this meant. He didn't know why this was happening he didn't know what was going on. His huff of frustration was drowned out by a snore.

Finn twisted so he was laying on his side. It wasn't any more comfortable than laying on his back was, but at least it was different. The wall was the same color as the ceiling, and Finn closed his eyes. Sleep fell over him quickly and his mind shut down just like it was programmed to.

Finn wasn't sure how long it had been since he had dreamt. He wasn't sure if he had ever dreamt for that matter. But this time he did.

There was sand, there was sand everywhere, drowning him. He could feel it in his throat, his nose, his eyes and his ears. It scratched his throat as it filled his lungs and no matter how much he moved, no matter how hard he tried to swim up, to escape, he couldn’t. His limbs were stuck and all he could do was sink down, down into the burning hot sand. He was drowning and burning, unable to even struggle as his lungs were filled with sand. Grains of sand stuck to his eyes, moving under his eyelids and behind the eyeballs as he tried to look for any source of light, any source of escape. There was nothing, absolutely nothing but the sand and the darkness, slowly killing him.

Finn's body spasmed and his eyes shot open. He took several harsh, shuddering breaths and looked around. It took a moment or two before he recognized the dull ceiling and the sound of snoring. Reaching up with a shaky hand, Finn rubbed his neck and experimentally cleared his throat, relaxing by a fraction when he felt that there wasn't anything in there. He sat up and looked around again, taking a few uneven breaths. After a few moments he laid back, trying to catch his breath. He could already feel that he wasn’t going to be getting back to sleep any time soon, so he sighed and resigned himself to that fact.

When the day began and the other soldiers began to rise, the dream that Finn would remember wasn’t the dream he dedicated himself to remembering. He didn’t make sure that he remembered Poe’s face, the callous grip Rey had on his hand, the constant swiveling of BB-8’s dome. Instead, the only thing that ran through his mind when he eventually rose, as he ate, as he went throughout his day, was how it felt as he choked on the sand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's a battle, a death, and a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight violence, although it's not too detailed, there is one part that might be disturbing, and it starts at "The officer looked a little dubious but nodded his head, not lowering his blaster." and lasts for the next two paragraphs.

It wasn’t until a few days later that General Organa organized a mission to Geonosis so that they could keep those who were hiding there from rejoining the Order. Poe and the other pilots were there to provide air support, but for the most part, it was ground troops who would be doing much of the work. Finn had been added to the mission, despite having no official position. Finn figured it was largely because of the knowledge he had when it came to the Order, and not much else, since he still had yet to prove his capability when it came to marksmanship and whatever else they may need in order to properly place him.

It was Finn’s first time in combat since Starkiller and after everything that had happened on Jakku and Takodana. He was more than nervous about it. What if, when push came to shove, he wasn’t able to finish the job? If he saw a ‘trooper and wasn’t able to shoot, if he even  _ hesitated _ , it might be over for him. If he wasn’t shot down by one of them, he certainly wouldn’t be able to look any of other members of the Resistance in the eye. That is, if they gave him the chance.

Finn wasn’t exactly sure how things worked here, but he certainly knew that him hesitating wouldn’t look good. If they didn’t officially punish him, the others would make sure he paid for it. That was something he didn’t doubt.

The day of the mission, he cleaned himself up nice. It was his belief that it was always best to go into something clean. Clean body, clean mind. Remnants of First Order ideas, he supposed. They were obsessed with cleanliness, everything had to be pure. If you went into battle clean, your mind would be clear, and you would get the job done. Of course, that hadn’t stopped him from turning his back on them, running and never looking back. And it didn't stop him now, his mind was buzzing still, he just couldn't stop thinking. 

Once he was clean, he was dressed in standard wear. Finn didn't like it very much. Even though the underclothing was protective gear, it still felt vulnerable. Stormtrooper armor had been clunky, yes, and Finn severely doubted it was any stronger than what he was wearing now, at least he could feel it. Like a barrier between him and whoever was shooting at him. With this, it just felt like he was wearing a really strong body suit. 

He left the barracks with the others and they ate quickly before going to their transports. Across the hangar he could see Poe with the other pilots and BB-8, all getting ready for the mission. They met eyes briefly and Poe nodded slightly. Finn nodded back and they held each other’s gaze for a moment before he followed the others into one of the transport ships. The trip wasn’t very long but it was almost completely silent, everyone seeming to be lost in their own respective thoughts. A few people here and there were talking amongst themselves, but other than that it was quiet. 

When they piled out on Geonosis, Finn’s nose crinkled slightly as he saw how dusty and sandy it was. He was reminded of his dream a few days ago and swallowed, rubbing his throat subconsciously. It didn’t take long to arrive the building that Poe and the other pilots reported seeing the footprints and they spread out, encircling the area. Finn surveyed the building with a curious frown, trying to figure out where the most troops would be. The officers were probably in the spire on top, if there was room up there. They wouldn’t be with the other troops, at the very least. He figured the regular foot soldiers were in the bulk of the building, most likely the center, since the edges would be mostly catacombs. He wasn’t certain of what had happened to the inhabitants, but he knew that whatever was left of them had fled deep underground, even farther than they used to be. There had been rumors in the barracks, that the Empire had committed a genocide on the inhabitants of Geonosis, but at best that was viewed as a horror story and nothing more, and at worst it was just another example of the ‘greater good’ in eradicating disorder, and subsequently, non-humans.

“Alright, we’re going in.” Poe’s voice crackled through the small earpiece they had all been given. The plan was for the pilots to fire on the building in an attempt to smoke out whatever troops were there so that they could be taken out. Finn wasn’t really a fan but he knew this was war, and this was something that had to be done, no matter how he felt about it. It seemed very cruel to him, but he knew there were some things that couldn’t be avoided.

For a moment, things were quiet and then Finn heard the sound of X-Wings. Three of them flew by and fired on the building before flying away again. They did that run three more times and then pulled away. Nothing happened for a moment or two, and then, all at once, troopers began running out of the building. They were armed and wearing helmets, so they were clearly ready to fight. That made things just a little easier for him. If they had been running out without helmets, armor, or blasters, fleeing for their lives, then Finn wasn’t sure he could have fired on them. 

He wasn’t sure who started firing first, but blaster bolts were flying past. Finn raised his blaster, finger on the trigger, and then paused. His eyes had fallen on a single trooper, who was also raising his blaster. The white amor wasn’t spotless like it should be, it was covered in dust, and grime, and what Finn secretly hoped wasn’t blood. They met eyes, at least Finn figured they did, he couldn’t tell with the helmet covering their eyes. 

It was like an out of body experience. He could remember seeing everything through the thin range of view that the helmet provided, he remembered what it was like to raise the blaster and aim, how it felt when the armor pinched his sides. It was like watching himself, or at least watching himself before Jakku. But that wasn’t who he was. That was never who he was. 

The trooper raised their blaster and Finn instantly went back into survival mode, like he had on Jakku and Takodana and Starkiller. Bringing death was something he didn’t want to do, but he knew that if he didn’t fire, he would die, regardless of his opinions. That trooper would have killed him, would have killed his fellows, and Finn wouldn’t let that happen.

Finn went through the battle as best he could, firing on the troopers systematically. It was easier, knowing they were a threat to his safety and the safety of the others. It was easier to tell the nagging voice in the back of his head that he had to kill them, that it was for the safety of the others, of the galaxy. When troops stopped coming out of the building, they moved in, looking for others. Finn looked back on the battlefield outside before going in, seeing that they had lost some people, people that the medtechs were already picking up and carrying away. It wasn’t clear who was dead and who was wounded. He clenched his jaw but continued, keeping an eye out for anything that could signify a trap.

Like he had predicted, the building was largely catacombs, lit only by the flashlights that some of the soldiers had, and the holes from when the X-Wings had shot the building. It was eerie, the way all of the skulls of Geonosians past stared at them. Finn would have expected exoskeletons, but he wasn’t sure it would be any better to be walking among piles of dead bug skin. He gave an involuntary shudder and decided that empty skulls were preferable. 

There weren’t any traps, nor any troopers, at least none that were alive. A few troopers lay dead, most with their helmets off and their eyes open. Finn looked away, unable to bear the sight of their glossy eyes.  There weren’t even any bedrolls, a fact that didn’t surprise Finn at all, but still bothered him. Just another thing to hate about the Order. They went up by levels, slowly making their way to the spire. 

It wasn’t until they reached the very top level that they encountered someone, a singular officer holding a blaster. That was surprising to Finn, considering the amount of troopers they encountered should have been chaperoned by at least one more officer. One of the Resistance officers stepped forward, blaster raised.

“Drop your blaster, now.” The Resistance officer spoke clearly to the other, who didn’t listen, simply standing there and staring at them blankly. “I said:  _ drop your blaster _ .”

The officer still didn’t listen, and Finn wondered if he was scared of the Resistance. It wouldn’t be surprising, he seemed a little dazed, and the Order did do their best to spread tales of the ‘horrible Resistance’. He stepped forward and murmured to the officer. “I think he’s worried we may kill him. Let me talk to him.”

The officer looked a little dubious but nodded his head, not lowering his blaster. Finn moved forward, slowly cautiously. “Hey, listen, you don’t need to shoot. You can come with us, you could defect. You don’t have to be with the Order anymore. The Resistance is safe, you won’t be harmed.” he said slowly and clearly, trying to reassure the man. 

The officer blinked at him once, then twice, and then put the blaster to his chin. Finn remembered a second too late what the protocol was when it came to possible capture by the enemy. His eyes went wide and he surged forward. “Wai--”

The blaster went off before he could finish his word and Finn watched with wide eyes as the officer crumpled to the ground. He was vaguely aware of blood and other bits making their way onto his clothes. Finn felt dazed and dizzy, staring at the spot where the officer's head had been now a red splash on the wall. It wasn’t even the actual death that had shocked him, it was the suddenness, the simplicity in which he had resigned himself to his action. He didn’t even hesitate. Finn barely registered that the other were pulling him out of the building along with them, his mind replaying the moment again and again. It wasn’t until he felt rumbling that he realized they were actually in the ship. He took several shaking breaths and looked down, taking in the splashes of blood on his clothes.

Finn wondered if the officer shot himself because he was loyal to the First Order. Because he believed in the Order wholeheartedly, believed in what they were doing, and was happy to die for them, happy to protect their secrets. It was possible though, for him to have been brainwashed into thinking that the only way out was a blaster to the head. Not all that likely, since Finn was pretty sure that most of the officers had joined of their own free will, save for the troops who were able to rise through the ranks, but nothing was impossible.

He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. If he thought about this anymore, he would vomit. He didn’t want to think about the officer anymore, he didn’t want to think about anyone who was in the Order, but he couldn’t get the sight out of his head. It wasn’t so much about the man himself, but the act, the motivation.

His mind was on a loop. Just repeating thoughts over and over again. Someone gave him a light nudge, startling out of his thoughts. He turned to see a zabrak woman looking at him. “That happens a lot, kid. There was nothing you could have done to stop him.”

He knew that was probably supposed to be comforting, and he gave a weak smile in return. It made him feel just a little better, knowing that he wasn’t the only one to have ever seen something like that, but it also meant that there were plenty of members of the First Order who were still willing to die for them. That made him sick, knowing that people were either so brainwashed or so fanatical that they could take their own lives just so they didn’t end up in the hands of the enemy. 

Finn remained quiet for the rest of the ride home, not wanting to open his mouth for fear that he would be sick. They landed at some point and Finn piled out with the others, exhausted. He did snap to some form of alertness though, when he saw that the X-Wings had already landed. Rather than walking around the hangar in a daze, he looked around frantically, trying to catch a glimpse of one face. Force, let him be here...

“Buddy!”

Finn whirled around and felt a genuine grin pull at his face as he saw Poe coming towards him, BB-8 hot on his heels. He jogged towards them both and met Poe in a hug. Some of the tension seeped out of his body as he felt his friend, warm and alive, in his arms. “Poe Dameron.” he murmured, taking a deep breath. “You made it alright.”

Poe pulled back marginally, a smile on his face. “Yeah, I did. And what about you buddy?” he pulled back and his smile dropped as he took in Finn. “Is that your blood? Whose blood is that? Are you hurt?” Concern seeped into his voice, and Finn was quick to shake his head.

“No, no, that’s not mine, that’s… A First Order officer shot himself. I was pretty close.” Finn said somewhat distantly, not wanting to think about the sight again.

Poe winced. “Yeah, that’s… That can be pretty jarring.” he looked him over. “Hey, c’mon, let’s get you to my room and clean you up, hm? I can soak your clothes in some water, it’s better than the wash.” 

Finn just nodded, looking at his dirty clothes. The two of them walked side by side to Poe’s quarters, mostly quiet. Neither of them spoke until they were inside and the door was closed. “How was the battle for you?” Finn asked, looking at him.

Poe shrugged. “We didn’t do much, honestly. We did those first few runs and then hung back while you guys did the fighting. I would have preferred if we did more, but the General wanted us to go in only if we needed to.”

The sight of the troopers all swarming out from the building filled his vision and nodded again, closing his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, Poe was looking at him with concern. “Hey, you alright, buddy?”

Finn cleared his throat. “Hm. Yeah. I guess. I don’t know. It’s not so much the fact that he died. I want people like that to die, they took all these people from their families,  _ brainwashed them _ . I don’t feel bad for them at all.” he paused. “It sounds terrible to say I want them dead, doesn’t it?”

“You’re entitled to that opinion. They did something beyond horrifying to you, and you’re entitled to want them to suffer in return. It’s not terrible to want them dead. But, you need to know where the line is. Fight them as much as you need to, but don’t destroy who you are in the process.” Poe murmured, looking over at him. “You’re a good man. They tried to take that away from you once, don’t let them take that from you this time.”

“Hm. Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” Finn murmured, bouncing on the balls of his feet and sighing softly.

“It’s what I try to do. Only way to hold yourself together sometimes.” Before Finn could think up a response to that, Poe dug up a set of clothes and handed them over to Finn. “Here, you can wash up in the refresher and change, and I can put these to soak.” 

Finn took the clothes, noticing how remarkably soft they were. They weren’t quite civvies, but it wasn’t the usual garb that he had. “Thanks.” Poe nodded in reply and Finn ducked out of the room and into the refresher to change. 

He went to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror, frowning slightly. His face was covered in grime and what may have been a little blood. Finn’s face twisted and he looked down, turning the faucet and washing his face with the flowing water. There were no mirrors in the First Order, and the only time Finn had ever seen his face was in the reflection of his armor when he was polishing it. But now that he could look at his face, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Now that he could do it freely, all he was able to notice was the issues with his face, where certain things almost seemed out of place on his face. 

When his face felt clean, Finn chanced another glance at the mirror just to verify and hummed with satisfaction. Clean enough. 

He pulled of the grimy clothes, coating in dirt and stand and spotted with the officer’s blood. His lip curled slightly and he quickly folded the clothes and put them by the sonic, not wanting to hold them any longer. He scrubbed whatever dirt was left on his skin and then pulled on the clothes Poe had given him. They fit decently well, although they might have been a bit snug in a few places.

He slipped out of the refresher, seeing Poe having already changed. “Hey, how did the clothes..” Poe trailed off when he looked at him, looking slightly slack jawed. Finn blinked and suddenly Poe was back to his usual self, although maybe a little pinker than usual. “Looking good buddy! Those suit you really well!”

Finn nodded, looking down at himself. “Yeah, I guess they do. Thanks for these, Poe.”

“It’s not a problem, trust me. You can keep those too, add them to your wardrobe, I don’t know how many clothes you have..” 

Finn tilted his head at that and tried not to frown too much. Poe didn’t think he was a pity case, did he? Someone to help? Maybe that was why he was always so helpful and nice. Finn wondered if he should take the clothes he had left in the refresher, spare Poe from having to deal with more of his problems. “Yeah. Thanks.” He said distantly, forcing the half smile he gave. “I think I’m actually just gonna take the clothes, the dirty ones, down to the laundry. I don’t want to make you do it.”

It was Poe’s turn to frown. “Are you sure? It’s not a problem at all, seriously.”

Even though he sounded genuine, Finn tried not to believe him. He was probably just trying to make him feel better, that was all. “I’m sure. I don’t want to waste your time with that.”

“Um, alright then. Do whatever you want, buddy. It’s still not a problem, but whatever you think is best.” Finn did his best to convince himself that Poe didn’t sound confused and somewhat bothered. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired.” Finn replied, going back into the refresher to retrieve the clothes and then hurrying back out. “Bye, Poe, I’ll see you later. Thanks for the clothes, I’ll get them back to you soon.” He barely heard Poe’s confused reply before he left the room, hearing the door slide shut behind him.

No matter how hard Finn tried to reason with himself, the idea that he was just a pity case to boost the pilot’s ego/good reputation stayed with him, making him doubt every nice thing the man had ever done for him. Maybe it would be a good idea for Finn to more friends, find a group outside of the pilots, show Poe that he wasn’t someone he needed to pity and take care of. He would have to distance himself from Poe to do this, but maybe it was for the best.

It would be, right?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long guys! I wanted to do this sooner, but I was having trouble starting this chapter, mainly because I realized too late that I didn't like how I ended the last one, with the lack of communication.
> 
> TW: Mentions of homophobia and breeding programs

As it turned out, avoiding Poe was a nearly impossible task, since wherever Finn turned, the pilot seemed to be, with his disarming smiles and his kind words. It meant that Finn needed to go out of his way to avoid the man, eating his lunch outside of the mess hall, sticking only to the med bay. 

Of course, it was bound to catch up with him eventually. He honestly couldn’t avoid the man forever, and it only made sense that eventually Poe would figure out where he had been hiding.

When he walked out of the medbay for the day, intent on going back to the barracks for an uneasy night of sleep, he found himself cornered by Poe, who had a frown on his lips.

“Poe, hi.” Finn said quickly, caught off guard.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Poe asked, getting straight to the point.

Finn swallowed, unable to meet his eyes. “I’m not avoiding you. Why do you think I’m avoiding you?”

“Because you’ve been ignoring me and avoiding every room I’m in.” Poe replied flatly, crossing his arms. “Look, buddy, if I did something, I’m really sorry.”

“No, you didn’t do anything!” Finn exclaimed, hesitating after a moment and then shifting on his feet. From Poe’s side came a threatening blat from BB-8, who extended their taser arm in his direction. Finn stepped back a little and Poe nudged BB with his foot.

“Stop that, Bee.”

The droid let out another unhappy beep but put away the taser, still looking up at him. Poe directed his attention back at Finn, a frown still on his face. “So. Why are you ignoring me, Finn?”

“I…” Finn bit his lip and nudged the ground with his feet. He should have just voiced his thoughts right away, rather than do what he had done. What had he been thinking? That he was going to just be able to avoid Poe for however long they were on the base together? At this point, he was just being an idiot, a stupid fool. “I wanted to show you that I’m capable of doing things myself. That I don’t need help.” He finally got out.

Poe blinked once, and then twice. “What?” 

Finn found himself unable to meet his eyes. “I’m not someone you need to look after, You shouldn’t feel obligated to help me, I’m not some pity case for you to worry about.” 

“Buddy.” Poe sounded stricken. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” Finn still didn’t meet his eyes, but his reaction was as good a response as any. “ _ Buddy _ . That’s not.. I don’t feel like I’m obligated to help you, and I don’t think you’re a pity-case. Why would I?”

“Because you saved me.” Finn started, looking at him suddenly. “And because you’re Poe Dameron, hero of the Resistance, and helping me makes your reputation even better.”

“Finn, that’s not what this is. I just want to help you.”Poe tried, his brow furrowing. “This isn’t some sort of PR thing, I’m not using you to make myself look good.” he pressed on at the doubtful look on Finn’s face. “Really, I mean it. You’re my friend and I treat you how I treat all of my friends.” BB-8 beeped something that could have been snarky, but Finn wasn’t quite sure. 

Finn looked him over with a small frown and found that he believed him, that he felt his honesty so deeply that it could have been his own. After a moment he relaxed, letting out a soft sigh. “I should have just talked to you, huh?” he asked bitterly. 

Poe put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. “It’s alright, buddy. I wish you had come to me, but now we know, yeah? Communication, it’s important to friendship. And I don’t feel obligated to do anything, alright? I want to hang out with you.”

Finn managed a bit of a smile. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” 

Poe nodded, pulling his hand back, but not before clapping him on the shoulder. “See you tomorrow, buddy.”

Finn felt a massive weight slide off of his chest as he walked back to the barracks and a smile toyed at his lips the whole time. He was surprised by how much his avoidance of Poe had been getting to him and now that he and Poe had settled the waters, everything that had been churning in his stomach had settled. He slipped into sleep easier than he had before. 

The next day, Finn met easily with Poe and the other pilots for breakfast, eating the slop they provided in the mess easily. It seemed much easier to stomach the food now that he was able to interact with the people he considered friends. 

“So, Finn,” Jess started, her mouth full of food. “Where have you been? We haven’t seen you in weeks.” 

Finn swallowed slightly and shrugged. “I’ve just been busy. Training and figuring out what I’m going to be doing here.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, he figured, and he really didn’t want to mention his avoidance of Poe. It was done now, and he didn’t want to make it any more difficult. 

It was enough for Jess, apparently, who just shrugged and continued eating. Finn chanced a glance at Poe, who didn’t seem that phased, offering the man a warm smile. Finn smiled back and went back to his own food, neither of the men noticing how the other pilots rolled their eyes, all of them amused. 

After breakfast, Finn decided to hang out with Poe, wanting to reconnect after having ignored him for so long. He ended up sitting on a bench near Black One, chatting with Poe and occasionally handing him a tool.

“So, Finn, what are you thinking of doing in the Resistance?” Poe asked, surveying what lay beneath one of the panels in the ship. 

Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not sure yet. I know I can fight, and I would like to be right there, in the fray of things, but at the same time…” he sighed, pressing his lips together. “I don’t really want to kill anyone.” He panicked as he realized how that could sound. “I mean, I want to get rid of the First Order, I want them to die, after all they’ve done. But sometimes it can just be a bit much.” 

“I get it, Finn.” Poe murmured, his voice soothing, seeming to have caught onto Finn’s panic, and the reason why. “It can be rough, and it’s not cut out for everyone. There’s no shame in that.”

Finn didn’t respond to that right away, not wanting to voice his concerns. If he didn’t fight, how would the people who doubted him take that? Would they see him as someone who didn’t want to fight with them? Would they see someone who was more than happy to use them as a shield, but not fight for their cause? He didn’t want that. Although one part of him argued that he didn’t need to prove himself, he couldn’t help but feel that he did, that he needed to prove himself to the others. If he didn’t prove that his presence in the base was worth the resources, then they would surely kick him out. 

After a moment he managed out a reply. “We’ll just have to see, I suppose, whatever skill I’m best suited to.”

Poe gave him an inscrutable look but didn’t comment, nodding his head in agreement and then asking for a wrench.

Jess jogged over to them after a few standard hours, a look of sullen disappointment on her face. “Poe, you won’t believe this! You know that technician? The really sweet one with the green skin?”

Poe nodded, letting out a “Mmhm” as he finished attaching something to the inside of his ship before properly turning to her to listen to whatever she had to say.

“Well apparently, she’s now seeing some guy in the mess hall!” Jess complained. “I thought I actually had a chance with her.”

Finn, although he had been once again distracted by the lack of formality between Jess and Poe, who was her commanding officer, went still, his mind going so blank to the point where he couldn’t even hear the sympathetic words Poe was offering her. Finally he managed out a strangled, “Shush!”, staring at them with wide eyes.

Both pilots stopped speaking, turning to stare at him. “What?” Poe asked, looking confused.

“You…” he looked around frantically. “You can’t say things like that!”

“Say things like what?” Jess frowned slightly, glancing at Poe.

“Like…” He tried to figure out how to say this. “What you’re saying! About you and someone who is…” he gestured wildly.

“The same gender as me?” Jess challenged, her voice much too loud.

“Ssh!” Finn hissed, standing. “You… You can’t do that! You can’t say things like that! That’s called gender treachery!”

Both Jess and Poe’s faces twisted. “I’m sorry, what?” Jess snapped out, fixing him with a cold glare. 

“Gender treachery.” Finn whispered, his hands shaking with his own panic. “I-It’s illegal, you can’t… You’ll get in trouble!”

After a moment, the anger on Poe’s face was replaced with a flicker of understanding and then another unreadable look. “This is something the Order said, wasn’t it?”

Finn stared at him, his fingers clenching and unclenching over and over again. After a moment he nodded, unable to speak. He couldn’t bear it, if his friends were taken away because they were just a little too loud about their affections. Jess would be taken, probably changed so that she no longer felt that way. Poe would probably be punished in the same way for his acceptance of that, but they likely wouldn’t be killed, since they were too useful.

Poe and Jess exchanged a look and the anger faded from her face, replaced with disgust. “So, being in a relationship with someone as the same gender as you is considered..”

“Gender treachery.” Finn whispered, still glancing around worriedly. 

“And what about relations between people of different genders?...” Poe asked, clearly not wanting to know the answer.

“That’s not allowed either, unless it's sanctioned.” Finn muttered, picking at his sleeves “The breeding program--”

“Breeding program?!” Jess exclaimed, cutting him off with a look of disgust.

“Yes,” he pressed on. “The best troopers, the smartest and strongest and fastest and most loyal, they were set to enter the breeding program. The best female candidate would be, well, impregnated, and would hold the baby for as long as they needed before the Order could finish its development scientifically.” Finn didn’t add that it was considered a great honor to be chosen for that, and he certainly didn’t add that he had been slated for the program. Just the thought of it made him sick, and considering the green tinge on the others’ faces, he wasn’t alone.

“Kriff.” Poe let out an unsteady breath, pushing a hand through his hair. “That’s… That’s  disgusting.”

“He should tell the General about that, shouldn’t he?” Jess asked, frowning at Poe.

The man nodded. “I think so.” he glanced back at Finn. “C’mon, the General will need to hear this.”

As the three of them walked down the hallways, Jess looked over at Finn. “That’s not how things work here. I mean, there are some people who have issues with people of the same gender being together, it’s considered acceptable for a lot of the galaxy. Here too. Very few people have a problem with that sort of thing.”

Finn frowned thoughtfully, feeling relief bloom in his chest, warming him from the inside out. The way he felt towards people of the same gender as him was normal. The way he felt wouldn’t cause him to be punished. He had known that the Resistance was different, but the punishment for gender treachery had been so normal that he had never questioned it as anything other than natural law. That bothered him. He had also considered the breeding program as something normal. Rather crude, in his opinion, but undoubtedly efficient.

Finn couldn’t help but wonder, what else did he consider normal? What else had the Order made him think was normal? Of course he knew that reconditioning was wrong, that the drug supplements were wrong, that stealing children was wrong. With every passing day that became more clear to him. But these little things… All of the things he considered rules, that had been integral in his development. How much of that would be broken down by the truth. How many times will he be met with looks of horror over the teachings of the Order? 

They reached the General’s officer before he got to answer his own question and he shifted, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of having to share that information with anyone else. It had been fine with Poe and Jess, but now that he knew that wasn’t normal, it was easier to see the horrors of it all and as such, harder to talk about. 

“Relax buddy.” Poe hummed, leaning forward to knock. “The more intel we have on the way the Order,” he practically spat out the word, “operates, the better.”

Finn just nodded, still lost in his own mind. 

The door opened to reveal the General, who seemed rather puzzled at the sight of them. “Commander Dameron. Finn. Jess.” she nodded her head at each of them as she spoke their names. “What do you need?”

“Finn just mentioned something about how the Order…” Poe’s jaw clenched briefly before he continued. “Gets their soldiers.”

Leia turned to him, fixing him with a piercing gaze. “Come on in, then.” she stepped to the side, letting Finn in. However, when Poe and Jess moved to follow him, she stepped back into the doorframe. “Sorry you two, but I think this conversation should be private.”

“What? General--.” Poe’s protests were cut off with a look from Leia.

“You can wait outside, but this should be in private.” She said firmly, closing the door when Poe gave a resigned nod.

Finn bit his lip anxiously and looked to Leia, who gestured for him to sit down, taking her seat behind her desk.

“I wouldn’t let Poe come in because I feel that his emotions may deter you from speaking.” Finn blinked, surprised not only by her statement, but by the fact that she felt the need to explain her actions. After all, she was a commanding officer. She smiled, either completely aware or utterly oblivious to the thoughts running through his mind. “While I know the two of you are close, I think that sometimes his reactions to the things you say about the Order can be emotional. Would I be right in thinking that?”

Finn couldn’t help but nod. There was truth to that. Whenever he spoke about the Order, Poe looked angry and upset and disgusted and Finn didn’t like being the reason for that look. 

She just gave him a gentle smile. “Just because Poe doesn't like hearing about your past, doesn't mean you should bottle it up inside.”

“I feel like he doesn't like to be reminded of who I was.” Finn said, surprising himself with his words.

“I'm not sure that's the case.” Leia murmured, shaking her head. “It may be more likely that he doesn't like hearing about what you went through. Poe holds a deep fondness for you, Finn, and I'm sure heading about everything you dealt with at the hands of the Order upsets him. However, that doesn't mean you should hold yourself back. Whatever you need to say to work through everything, say it. And if you feel that you can't say it around Poe, my door is open. Besides, it means we have all the more intel.”

Finn brushed a hand through his hair, his fingers catching in a few curls that were now much longer than regulation. “I'm surprised that there hasn't been an official briefing for everything I know.”

Leia nodded. “I've been holding off on that. I didn't thank that interrogating you in a room full of officers would be good for you.”

“So you figured that you would wean it out of me through friendly conversation?” Finn interjected, realizing his breach of etiquette a moment too late and stiffening.

Rather than giving him a reprimand, however, Leia laughed. “Very observant, Finn. Yes, I will admit that this seemed the best way to get information. Not to say I intended to manipulate you, though,” she added, serious yet again. “But I get the feeling that the First Order has spread some tales about how we operate and I’m not sure that shoving you in a room full of officers would be a great way to dispel those tales.”

“We were promised torture.” Finn replied, shaking his head. “By comparison, answering a bunch of questions, no matter how demanding they may be, seems much less daunting. I don’t want my comfort to be in the way of a military operation. I’ll be willing to do whatever may be necessary to be of help, no matter my comfort level.”

“I appreciate that, Finn. Then should I set up a briefing, shouldn’t I?” She picked up her datapad and made a quick note before directing her attention back at Finn. “But, onto business, yes? I understand there’s information that you needed to give.”

Finn nodded quickly and wasted no time in divulging everything he had shared with Poe and Jess. While he did so, Leia kept her face impassive, although there was a fire in her eyes that told him she was going through the same emotions as Poe had.

When he finished, she leaned back, her lips pressed tightly together. “I’m sure Commander Dameron and Miss Pava told you that we don’t work in that way.”

Finn was quick to nod. “Yes ma’am, they did.”

She nodded gravely. “As a whole, we accept people of any orientation. If they believe in the cause, then they’re Resistance material, no matter who they choose to love. However, some people here have issues with this. This won’t be something we tolerate.” Finn realized that this wasn’t just an assurance, it was a warning, should he share the views of the Order. “If someone has a problem with who our people decide to love, then they are expected to keep that to themselves, and if they act on their feelings, then they will be faced with punishment.”

Finn swallowed and raised his hands in surrender. “I don’t have those opinions, ma’am. I never really agreed with the First Order regarding that.” But yet he had never done anything about it, had he? He never spoke against what they did.

“It was simply the way things were there.” Leia said sagely. “No matter how you felt, that was the way things were.”

“Yes ma’am.” Finn nodded, glancing down at his hands.

“You may call me Leia, Finn.” Her voice was softer than before. “I think we should talk frequently. It would be good for us both, I think. It would give us a new perspective. What do you think?”

“I agree, ma-- Leia.” he managed, briefly imagining what would have happened if he had addressed Captain Phasma by her proper name.  Of course, he didn’t even know what her real name was, but that was beside the point. “It could be good for us both.” Finn didn’t doubt that, at least. Leia was a very smart woman and he knew he could trust her to be completely honest with him, even if he didn’t really want the truth. 

“I’ll see you later, then, Finn. We’ll do our briefing in a week.” Leia nodded at him and Finn stood, knowing he was dismissed. “And thank you for the information. We’ll be able to use this later on.”

Finn nodded back at her, ducking out of the room, his mind whirring as he reflecting on these new developments. He knew he would have to go through the datapad, look through holonovels and holovids to figure out what was actually considered normal. He just hoped it was easier than it seemed.

**Author's Note:**

> All of my other ongoing AUs are officially on hold while I finish this fic.


End file.
